


i'll hold you in my heart

by vade_brucestephenbucky



Series: The State of Our Affairs - Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye [4]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Confessions, F/M, Mid-Canon, Royai - Freeform, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, i had some thoughts and it resulted in this, i swear i'll write fluff soon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26385154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vade_brucestephenbucky/pseuds/vade_brucestephenbucky
Summary: After their transfer to Central Command, Roy and Riza take an early morning visit to the indoor shooting range to adjust to their new station. But when it's just them, no shots are fired.
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Series: The State of Our Affairs - Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884217
Comments: 8
Kudos: 38





	i'll hold you in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> gosh summaries are difficult, please forgive me.
> 
> also! this does take place in my state of our affairs series, it's just mid-canon as you can tell :)

“Hey, Colonel?” Riza spoke as she placed her belongings in her assigned locker at Central Command, the early morning orange glow of the sun shining in through the paneled windows. Both of them were afflicted with exhaustion, mutually resisting the want to find the barracks and claim a bed. Individually, of course. 

Roy turned to her. “Hm?” he avoided speaking more than he needed to, worried how his voice might break underneath the fatigue he was attempting to keep at bay. 

“I’ve heard the shooting range here was just remodeled, and I was thinking we could go try it out. To help,” she paused, searching for the words, “settle in here at Central before the others arrive, sir.” Riza closed the door of her locker and looked at Roy. 

Roy nodded. “Sure,” he answered, pushing his hair out his eyes and taking a firearm from his locker, shutting the door after pushing it in his holster. He smiled a half-smile, and Riza knew it was forced. 

They walked in silence down the long corridors, following signs on the walls in an attempt to reach the shooting range. Roy mapped out the hallways in his head, noting every turn they took, and every turn they didn’t. He would take them at some point, just to have a full picture of Central Command in his head. 

Riza, two feet behind him, took in every detail he couldn’t bother to think about, whether the reason was his exhausted state or his focus on everything except those said small details, like the names on each door or which signs had been recently replaced. And of course, she marked how he walked slower today, his stride drawn out and his breath in sync with his steps, heavy and noticeable. 

She sustained her two feet behind him at all times, and she adjusted her stride to his and walked slower, her steps heavier. It wasn't too much of a task; she never had trouble falling in time with Roy, especially not in their shared moments of silent strife such as this. 

“It’s to the left, Colonel,” Riza spoke, watching for any shift in his expression, difficult at her angle of his face. “Just down that hallway.” 

Roy nodded and took the left as he was told, his hand tight on the holster beneath his jacket. He wasn’t the type to choose a gun as his first weapon of choice, and he certainly didn’t have the shot Hawkeye did. But he was desperate to take his mind off of why he came to Central in the first place, even just for a little while. 

The pair entered the indoor range, targets set up in small, sectioned off compartments for individual soldiers testing their skills. By the door was a table of noise reduction earmuffs and plugs, which were required to be worn out of precaution and protection of the user's hearing. 

Roy opted for the earmuffs and placed them on his head after he removed his jacket, hanging it on a hook on the right side of the door, next to the lieutenant's, who had already settled into a booth with plugs in her ears. For reasons unknown to Roy, the sight of Riza so quick to avoid conversation hurt his heart, and his chest ached as he took the gun out of his holster and stepped into the booth beside her. 

He couldn’t even make the first shot before he fell to his knees and removed his earmuffs, coiled into himself, and began to sob.

Riza knew when she heard the no echo of a shot from beside her. She retired her gun to the holster at her back and stepped out of the booth, removing her earplugs and kneeling by his side. 

“I'm sorry, sir,” she spoke, fighting back tears of her own at the sight of the broken state of her colonel. “I shouldn't have brought you down here.” She wanted to take him into her arms, let him drain his sorrows out against her chest as she ran her fingers through his raven hair. Most of all she wanted to cry with him, bury her face in his shoulder and forget about everything but themselves. But she couldn’t, and she kept her arms wrapped tightly around her frame. 

Roy raised his tear-brimmed eyes to Riza's, and he struggled to hold a breath, his chest rapidly rising and falling as he choked out tears. He met her eyes and battled the urge to bring her into an embrace, leaving his sorrows as kisses on her chest and dried tears on her shirt, their bodies quietly intertwined as they suffered with one another. He laid against the dividing wall of their booths and gazed at his lieutenant. 

His lieutenant, her colonel. That was all they could be to each other. All they were allowed. 

“Don't apologize, Hawkeye,” Roy stammered, catching his breath though tears continued to roll down his cheeks. “I thought it would help too.” He was silent for a moment. 

“But I can’t shoot at a target unless I know who I’m supposed to be aiming at.”

Riza nodded. “I understand, Colonel.” She rested against the opposite wall of his booth, keeping her gaze focused on Roy. She wanted nothing more than to be close to him now. 

Roy shut his eyes for a moment, but the image of Riza didn’t leave his mind. He quivered as a fresh wave of tears rushed over him. And he couldn’t help but let them flow, tears of anger, sorrow, exhaustion flooding from his eyes. 

“I want to love you so badly, Hawkeye,” Roy confessed, his voice merely a whisper. He opened his eyes, trembling as he gazed into the amber irises of his lieutenant. He adored that color, just as he adored Riza. 

Riza’s breath caught in her throat, gripping her abdomen as if she’d been impaled by his statement. She bit her down on her lip so hard she thought it might bleed, swallowing back tears before the colonel. “I do too.” 

Roy seized his chest, his heart pierced by the knife of her words. 

For a moment, they were both quiet, silenced by their shared, unwavering, and yearful need for the other. All they could manage was to gaze into one another’s eyes and mourn the nonexistent loss of what they could be, soundlessly crying for the other’s touch. 

“But we can’t,” she said and shook her head, an attempt to solidify the statement in her mind. “We can’t, Colonel.” Riza’s voice faltered, and tears dripped from her eyes. She wanted him to dry them.

“I know,” Roy said and rose from the ground, extending his hand to help her stand. “It just hurts that we can’t.” 

Riza lowered her eyes, but she couldn’t bring herself to take his hand and stood up on her own, brushing the dust off her pants. “We’re going to have to hurt for a long time, Colonel.” 

“Someday, we won’t have to, Lieutenant,” Roy returned and took a handkerchief from his jacket pocket. He placed the cloth in her hand. “If I can’t wipe away your tears, at least I can give you that.” 

Riza gave a bittersweet smile and dried her eyes and cheeks. “You’re sure?” 

“As sure that I’ll become the Führer.” Roy pulled his jacket over his shoulders and smiled. “It may not be until then, but I’m sure. Though I don’t want to make you wait longer than I have to.” 

Riza folded the fabric into a square and placed it in her pocket. She sighed and spoke, “I have no reservations about loving you, it is simply the law that holds me back. And I cannot risk breaking the law and jeopardizing our plans. So I must wait, as we both should.” Her voice, though it didn’t shake, was filled with the painful truth of her words. 

Again her words struck a tight cord in Roy, and once again he faced the harsh reality of the reason they transferred. “Right,” was all he had in response. 

Riza slid into her jacket, straightened the cuffs at her wrists. She looked at Roy through pained eyes. “Let’s get back up to the main building, alright? I’m sure the rest of the unit will be arriving soon enough.” 

“Before we go, Lieutenant,” Roy whispered and met her eyes. “Is it alright if I hold you in my heart, until I can hold you in my arms?”

Riza's eyes softened as her heart fluttered. She loved this man more than words could ever describe. “That's a nice sentiment, Colonel. Of course, you can, sir.”

**Author's Note:**

> i made it a POINT to differientate between their voices, roy being the one with the flowered, emotional words while riza is the one trying to maintain some sort of professionalism and composure in her speech. but this was a PAINFUL write, i just want them to be HAPPY. 
> 
> also if you've read my other fics in this series, there are nods to those fics so you might recognize them 😆 (post-foreshadowing, is that a thing LOL?) 
> 
> i do hope you enjoyed; leave a comment if you have any feedback! thanks for reading <3


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